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I started telling people I was gay when I was 23.

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Even though I felt some relief,

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time went on, and it still wasn't quite right.

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I hated the word lesbian.

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I could never figure out why
it rubbed me up the wrong way

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until I realized
it was because I was transgender.

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My whole life has been about living the way other people want me to.

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Their comfort was more important than mine.

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I thought I'd never have the courage to come out and tell people.

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So I'd just be a lesbian, because that's 50% happier than I was before.

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and it's better than nothing.

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I came to terms with the fact that I'd never have a body that I truly loved.

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I didn't hate it,

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I just never felt connected to it.

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The simplest way I can describe it is,

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if you're craving tacos,
and someone brings you a pizza.

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Pizza isn't terrible, but it's not what you wanted.

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I never saw myself as someone

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who was going to live the way they authentically wanted to.

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I was born wrong, and that's the way it would stay.

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God messed me up.

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I couldn't handle the thought of saying

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my dad is your religious leader,
and I'm trans.

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One of my biggest concerns was ruining my dad's reputation.

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I knew he would never reject me,

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but I planned to wait until he retired before I told anyone.

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That way, less was at stake.

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I'm a passive pushover
and a people pleaser.

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Just before the pandemic, I'd started wearing a binder.

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I shaved my hair short and began dressing in a more masculine way.

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Around that time, my mom said

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Do you think you want to become a boy?

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I panicked and completely shut it down,

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telling her that would be ridiculous.

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I think it just caught me off guard

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and I'd never considered it
an option before.

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Six months later, at 29,

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after much introspection,
I came out as trans.

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I told my parents on Zoom
in the middle of lockdown.

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I recorded the whole conversation,
and sometimes watch it back

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because it astounds me
how lucky I am to have the parents I have.

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My dad's exact words were

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We were all given this skin, our bodies.

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It's up to us
to figure out what they look like.

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That's the outer you.

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Now we understand
your inside needs to match your outside.

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We love who you are,
and we love you for you.

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There is nothing that can ever change that.

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You need to know that with confidence.

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We're happy
that you're heading to a better place

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and that it will give you the freedom
you haven't had before.